The Tragedian

Once upon a time, Ben and I took a C.S. Lewis class at LeTourneau University, and our professor, Dr. Batts, had us read, "The Great Divorce," and it changed my thinking forever. In summary, the "Great Divorce" is actually the divide between heaven and hell, and the inhabitants of hell (which is described as a place devoid of God) are permitted a field trip to heaven. Everything in heaven is dripping with truth and love. He tells stories of the visitors from hell meeting people in heaven, some of which they knew back on Earth. When I came upon a little man from hell who sees his wife from Earth in heaven for the first time I was surprised to find myself. Not in the beautiful woman who was full of love, forgiveness and joy, but in the ugly little man who was chained to a giant ghost Lewis refers to as the 'Tragedian'. The wife is overjoyed to see her late husband, greets him with a kiss and asks for his forgiveness for all her wrongdoings since she met him (ignoring the Tragedian). The little man had his giant answer for him, saying, "There, there, we all make mistakes...it's not myself I'm thinking about. It is you...The thought of you - you here alone, breaking your heart about me." She encourages him not to think like that, she tries to keep the conversation healthy. The first thing out of the little man's mouth was, "You missed me?(p.101)" and this is what stopped me in my tracks. This is the moment I started to get it. It was all about him, all the time. Later as she tries to explain that she's learned the true meaning of love and that there are no miseries in heaven, he's offended that she wasn't miserable and missing him, and searches for another insult by asking if she did not really love him in the old days (p.103).

I could quote the entire chapter, but I'd rather you read it yourself. The other part that gutted me was as the Tragedian shamelessly dramatized the little man's "plight" he grew bigger and bigger as the actual man grew smaller and smaller. When the man was so small that he couldn't be distinguished from the chain to which he was clinging she said,

"'Quick...there is still time. Stop it. Stop it at once.'
'Stop what?'
'Using pity, other people's pity, in the wrong way. We have all done it a bit on earth, you know. Pity was meant to be a spur that drives joy to help misery. But it can be used the wrong way round. It can be used for a kind of blackmailing. Those who choose misery can hold joy up to ransom by pity. You see, I know now. Even as a child you did it. Instead of saying you were sorry, you went and sulked in the attic...because you knew that sooner or later one of your sisters would say, 'I can't bear to think of him sitting up there alone, crying.' You used their pity to blackmail them, and they gave in in the end. And afterwards, when we were married...oh, it doesn't matter, if only you will stop it."(p.107-108)

Eventually the little man was swallowed up by the giant Tragedian and was no more. The discussion between C.S. Lewis' main character and his mentor who watched all this unfold was profound, I highly recommend checking it out, it's a short book. I'd had convictions in my life before this, and I've had them since, but none were so extensive in the depth of my being as this. Rather than being shown a weed that I needed pulled, I was being shown the fibers of the fabric of my very character were rotten and that it would certainly take a lifetime to be made whole again. That was ten years ago. And it's as I thought, no quick fix. Here are some of the roles that I've found The Self-Centered Tragedian can take on, and I'm learning to watch out for:

Attention Seeking Roles:
Talking about one's self too much
Talking too much/stealing other's attention or energy
Being melodramatic
Being hypochondriacal
Saying anything that induces another person to feel guilt
Flirting/being immodest

Pride-filled Roles:
Hypersensitivity (fishing for insults)
Fishing for compliments/false modesty
Paranoia
Lying
Defensiveness
False martyrdom
Keeping track of one's good deeds
Giving gifts just for the thanks
Doing good deeds just for the praise
Having to have the last word
Having to inform a gracious teacher that you already knew what they taught you.
Being impatient with others
Refusing to talk to others
Being a Pharisee: following laws or going to church just to appear Holier than thou.

Bad Steward Roles:
Laziness
Greed

Just think how every one of these is not loving God or loving others. I think society is so wrapped up in self-love, self-promotion, and self-worship that we easily chain ourselves to these things without noticing. Do share additions to this list in the comments section, I'd be most grateful. The mentor explains what really lurks behind these "misery-makers":

"The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs' should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven."(The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis, 1945, p. 111).

On the go!

Z and I went to hang out with the Sugarcreek Gang last Thursday:
(from left) Melody, Coleen, Lisa with Z, Rachel and Molly
We ate the yummiest food ever, and they all love to play with Z!

Molly got bored while we were analyzing what animals we would be, and took some pictures of herself. Hope she doesn't mind me posting one on the web for all to see!

This weekend, Z and I went to Mansfield to see baby Owen again and hang out with family (Andy, Missy, Jenna, Ally, Owen, Jeremy, Biz, Debbie and Dad W.). We had so much fun we forgot to take pictures, but remembered just before we left to get one with Grandpa and Grandma H. We had gone to church with them that morning and saw lots of people that we hadn't seen for years.

Finally, I was casually visiting my best friend's website and found that she had chosen me to carry on a long-standing web tradition I had never heard of called meme. In a nutshell here's what you do:

1. Find the nearest book to you.
2. Name the book and author.
3. Turn to page 123.
4. Go to the fifth sentence on the page.
5. Copy out the next 3 sentences and post to your blog.
6. Tag three other people.

So, as a dutious best friend, here's my three sentences from the book literally and figuratively nearest to me, the Bible, page 123 takes me to the book of Numbers, five sentences down and here we go:

On the day of firstfruits, when you present to the Lord an offering of new grain during the Feast of Weeks, hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work. Present a burnt offering of two young bulls, one ram and seven male lambs a year old as an aroma pleasing to the Lord. With each bull there is to be a grain offering of three-tenths of an ephah of fine flour mixed with oil; with the ram, two-tenths; and with each of the seven lambs, one-tenth.

Now, I apologize ahead of time, but I'm tagging...my ex-foster daughter turned regular daughter, Kim, my crazy friend in the picture above, Molly, and Lisa.

Have a WigDay!

Daddy pulled us around the parking lot next to our house last week when we had our fill of snow, no small feat as there's no hill in the parking lot.

Somebody's getting around and found the basket full of doggie toys which Mommy quickly baby proofed.

Introducing Owen Andrew Wigton!
(Our new nephew and Ezra's future best bud)

Congratulations, Andy and Missy! Isn't Z so big now? He's still working on two more teeth, hence the somber face.

My cousin, Jamie, left for bootcamp this week, so please remember her in your prayers. This was taken at Thanksgiving before she cut lots of her beautiful hair off in preparation for the Navy. We're very proud of her (for serving our country, not just for cutting her hair)!

Two of our favorite things this week: Hyland's Teething Tablets (lifesaver this week, thanks for the recommendation, Mom!), and D'Anjou Pears (they're heavenly!)

500 Becca Points go to my Dad for logging onto our site while visiting Australia this week! Looks very cool on the WigMap, Dad, thanks!

We have a winner!

And the winner is...the guesser of Z's top left tooth! Boy, was it a close race, first thing yesterday morning we had nothin', then after morning nap a tiny point had cut through of the top left tooth, then by evening nap time top right tooth was in close pursuit and had not only cut through but had overtaken top left! And the parental crowd went wild! Congratulations to my cyber-friend, Deanne, our very first winner of the surprise WigPrize, which this time is two dozen mini-chocolate chip bran muffins (my best recipe!). Honorable mentions go to Grandma J and Melody who chose a very aggressive tooth! Thanks to everyone who participated!

WigWinks!

Hey there, just a few quick notes from the Mommy. I finally posted on Zerbik.blogspot.com for those who are interested. Also, please check out our new sidebar features. I have two very dear relatives who have Multiple Sclerosis, signing a petition to fund more research is the least I can do for them, perhaps you could too. Also featured, the WigMap! Find your dot on the map! For extra Becca points, visit my site when you go somewhere cool on vacation!

I had to get a photo of my sleeping nugget of love. I love it when his tongue sticks out like that! He's still teething, so he's eating, sleeping, drooling, and crying more. We can see four working their way through, the top two middle and the lower two incisor, any guesses on which one will cut through first? Your options are: top left, top right, bottom left or bottom right. Leave your guesses in the comments section. The winner gets a special WigPrize!

Freedom vs. Discipline

OK, I've got a lot of random thoughts generally pointing to the same topic. I'm surprised at how difficult it's been for me (at times) to discipline myself to do or not to do something. Like, not picking at my fingers, exercising, or only eating when I'm hungry. For about a week, I've made myself do 200 ab excercises before I let myself check my e-mail. This has worked for me so far. But, how sad is that? I can't just determine to excercise everyday, I actually have to bribe myself. Surely God is big enough to free me from being enslaved by these petty things!

I know that we're not under the old laws anymore, but I'm pretty sure discipline is still important. In our American culture, it's so tempting to be a Christian Hedonist. You know...do the right thing in the big stuff, but in the gray areas or little things do whatever feels good or is easiest. We don't tend to view eating as a moral issue, exercise is just a guilt-provoker, it's totally optional when it comes down to it. Destroying my fingers? My choice!

I'm thinking we've lost the art of self-discipline, delayed gratification, and self-control. [MINI-TANGENT PROCEEDING] It's funny, I'd been thinking about the cyclical nature of life, how it's so unavoidable (wash the laundry, it gets dirty again, etc.) that God must have totally wanted us to take notice, then the pastor at this little church we've been attending preaches his sermon on cycles. To incorporate a thought he (Pastor Josh McDonald) had into this discussion [AND WE'RE BACK!] perhaps biting my fingers is me in the midst of an unhealthy cycle...perhaps, discipline, self-control are practices that help me move into a healthy cycle (ie. not hurting my fingers).

I guess the silly struggle I'm having is that once upon a time, I was a super-duper structured, read my Bible every day kind of girl, then one day, it dawned on me that God would still love me whether I did that or not, so I figured I'd exercise this "freedom in Christ" and read when I felt like it. I think this was my downfall. In many other gray areas after that (ie. God didn't say He cared) I often chose to exercise my "freedom": church, watching T.V., the aforementioned issues, and so on. This brings me to the part in my story where I reference an old Zerbik "Do what you're told". Not only are we to obey in the big things that are spelled out for us, but also when He speaks to us through our hearts. So, perhaps this dreaded word, "discipline," only seems distasteful because Satan knows it could lead to a healthy pattern in our lives when the thing isn't so hard to make ourselves do AND we'd benefit from it. Clear as mud?

I'm summarizing my conclusion for myself here: Becca, get over the "issue" of discipline vs. freedom, do what God tells you to do when He tells you to do it, even if it's over and over, He might just be helping you become more like Him or be closer to Him or something beyond your understanding like that.
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Extras:
Just for kicks I looked up the etymology of the word 'discipline' and 'free' on www.etymonline.com:

discipline

c.1225, from O.Fr. descepline, from L. disciplina "instruction given to a disciple," from discipulus (see disciple). Sense of "treatment that corrects or punishes" is from notion of "order necessary for instruction." The L. word is glossed in O.E. by þeodscipe. Meaning "branch of instruction or education" is first recorded c.1386. Meaning "military training" is from 1489; that of "orderly conduct as a result of training" is from 1509. The verb is attested from c.1300. Disciplinarian "one who enforces order" is first attested 1639; earlier used of Puritans who wanted to establish the Presbyterian "discipline" in England (c.1585).

free (adj.)

O.E. freo "free, exempt from, not in bondage," also "noble, joyful," from P.Gmc. *frijaz (cf. M.H.G. vri, Ger. frei, Du. vrij, Goth. freis "free"), from PIE *prijos "dear, beloved" (cf. Skt. priyah "own, dear, beloved," priyate "loves;" O.C.S. prijati "to help," prijatelji "friend;" Welsh rhydd "free"). The adv. is from O.E. freon, freogan "to free, love." The primary sense seems to have been "beloved, friend, to love;" which in some languages (notably Gmc. and Celtic) developed also a sense of "free," perhaps from the terms "beloved" or "friend" being applied to the free members of one's clan (as opposed to slaves, cf. L. liberi, meaning both "free" and "children"). Cf. Goth. frijon "to love;" O.E. freod "affection, friendship," friga "love," friðu "peace;" O.N. friðr, Ger. Friede "peace;" O.E. freo "wife;" O.N. Frigg "wife of Odin," lit. "beloved" or "loving;" M.L.G. vrien "to take to wife, Du. vrijen, Ger. freien "to woo." Sense of "given without cost" is 1585, from notion of "free of cost." Of nations, "not subject to foreign rule or to despotism," it is recorded from 1375. Freedman "manumitted slave" first recorded 1601. Colloquial freeloader first recorded 1930s; free fall is from 1919, originally of parachutists; free-hand is from 1862; free-thinker is from 1692. Freebie dates back to 1942 as freeby, perhaps as early as 1900. Free-for-all "mass brawl" (in which anyone may participate) first recorded 1881. Freebase (n. and v.) in ref. to cocaine first recorded 1980.

Interesting, huh?

Just me!

Hey everybody! Mom didn't think she'd have any pics for you this week, so I took the liberty of taking a few for her...mostly of moi!Frozen bagels...my new favorite teething treat!

Daddy and I had fun while Mommy went to Pottery Class.
That guy really knows how to make me laugh!

My what big teeth I have!

Grrrr....

The new and improved kitchen table that Grandma and Grandpa H gave Mom and Dad for their wedding almost 10 years ago! (They are so old!) They stained the top cherry (if you can't tell) and say they plan to paint the chairs blue someday. I'll believe it when I see it.

And we're back to me! Yes, I'm officially crawling...kinda. I still go backwards better, but I can pull myself along a few inches. This is me going back and forth! I feel like I'm moving so fast, but I find I don't really get that far.
Everyday I watch the cars go by from my post. It's my job.
Aunt Bekah really caught me off-guard taking this picture of me with her boyfriend, Jeremy. They watched me while Mom and Dad went on their "Valentine's date", whatever that is.

All in all I had a good week. Still taking swim classes, I plan to graduate next week. I'm on the verge of cutting two more teeth. Daddy says it'll be anyday now. Well, I better get going before they notice I'm not really napping! Later!

No Shadow!

Funny joke for the week: Grampa J tells me that if the Groundhog sees his shadow, we're in for another six weeks of winter. If he doesn't then we're in for a month and a half more.

Guess who's taking over the kitchen while the table is getting refinished?

This is snow candy! Jamie, Z and I boiled down molasses and brown sugar poured it over snow. Tasted as yummy as it sounds (not very).

The Fight Fest Ben and I went to for my birthday! All the "Instigators" from Victory School of Martial Arts rocked! Our martial arts instructor helped train them, and they were undefeated that night!

Random cuteness....(I think he was smiling at Aunt Jamie here, he's always flirting with her.)

My little experiment...V8, Razzmataz, Carotine oil, and mustard

This is a sample of frieze carpet (the newest invention since Berber), it's supposed to be as durable as Berber, but softer. So, I thought I'd see just how stain resistant it was! From top left, clockwise we have: V8, mustard, oil, and Raspberry stuff.

This is just after running hot water over the carpet! After this I tried Resolve carpet cleaner and it didn't budge the stubborn oil stain. Two applications of Gain detergent later most of it had come out. So, even though the oil took a little work, most stains took no work at all, and I'm sold! Our next big project (after the table), is to tear down the wall in our living room, and restore this 115 year old house to it's original state of having one big living room. So, we'll have some frieze carpet bound to act as a large rug over the maple floors. If only we could decide on the colors for the wall!